I fell to pieces tonight.
I’m not writing this because I’m looking for attention or I want people to feel sorry for me.
I’m telling you this to show that I am human and, maybe, to show other parents it is okay to fall apart too.
After Brian was released from the hospital, I tried to go back to our daily routine, but I was tired. We went to a meeting on Sunday and then we didn’t leave the hotel again until Thursday evening when Mr. Thom invited us out to dinner. I’m embarrassed to say we didn’t even get dressed during those four days.
To overcome the guilt I was feeling about keeping my son inside for days on end, I decided to take him to a pumpkin patch today. In fact, on the drive there I was scripting my next blog post about pumpkins, Halloween and the Teal Pumpkin Project, but that will have to wait for another day.
Brian had a great time today and was not nearly as bothered by the big kids who knocked him down as I was. I think he just enjoyed the chance to run around free, and of course, the slide. He loves to slide.
We headed to the FOP for dinner. Along the way I began to feel a huge heaviness coming over me. I want to smile, I want to appear everything is great, I want to act like I have it all together, but the truth is, I am so tired.
I’m beyond the “tired” because I haven’t slept right for a few days. I feel cranky and irritable, and most of all, I hate myself for feeling this way.
I know how lucky I am to be blessed with so many family and friends who love us. I know how lucky I am to spend so much quality time with Brian. Please do not think me melodramatic when I say, I just need a break.
Also, I can say honestly that the last four months have been hard.
I love my family and my babies more than life itself. They make me whole. Still, I have come to the realization that over the last few months, I have lost myself. I am Brian’s mom, which is the greatest honor, but I’m not afraid to say that I also am looking forward to being alone with myself soon.
I thank God for blessing me with Matt. He reassured me tonight when I felt like I was being a bad mom for wanting time to myself. I needed him to bring me up, and that is just what he did. I love him more than he knows.
When Brian and I return home on November 20, I will be grateful for the opportunity to sneak out by myself, even if it is just to sleep without interruption.
I hope you don’t think I am an ingrate or being selfish. For those of you who are parents, I hope you know that you can love your children with all your heart, and still want to be seen as more than just a mom, or in our case, the mom of child with a rare disorder.
Being a parent really is one of the hardest jobs in the world.
I also know that this is temporary. Tomorrow I will wake with a clear head and a renewed strength.
Brian is my number one focus and priority. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him.
Thank you for following our journey and forgiving me for this minor bump in the road.